when hyper self-awareness is exhausting.

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Of course, there’s nothing wrong with deliberate self-reflection. In fact, it probably will facilitate self-awareness to a degree. But it won’t be sufficient for building self-awareness because we’re social creatures who learn primarily through each other.

https://nickwignall.com/self-aware-people/

I probably spend 50% of my day over-analyzing my own thoughts and feelings.

It’s fun, considering all of the other things my brain likes to pick fights with.

You’d think it would be some kind of magic, being so tuned in to your own conscience that you can pinpoint where a feeling comes from and why; to know where your own power lies, to be able to dig through the misty ether and say hey, don’t be so hard on yourself, you know what your trigger is.

And sometimes it is magic, even morphing into empathy, so achingly aware of the energy in someone else that you can feel it, and maybe you know what they need to hear, or maybe you know that in that moment all they need is intentional silence.

But having the ability to decode your own feelings on such a heavy level isn’t always a good thing; it doesn’t always mean you’ll know just what to do, what to say, how to fix it, how to change your own view of the world and the people in it. It only means you’ll suffer harder through your own damn awkwardness and negativity, wishing you knew how to turn it off.

When hyper self-awareness sucks, it means you’ll hear yourself whine and complain, you’ll hear yourself expect the worst from people and situations, then you’ll take a deep breath and somewhere that whisper in your brain comes through: it’s just a reflection of your own insecurities; it’s a defense mechanism; it’s about you, not them; you know you can’t expect everyone to think just like you do, that isn’t realistic; you can only change your reaction to the world around you.

Hyper self-awareness is like running on a rickety hamster wheel. It doesn’t mean you know how to fix the problem, how to navigate the frustrating road; it only makes you aware of what’s there, what you can feel, what’s laid out in front of you in brick and stone. You can’t foresee the outcome, only the feeling, the moment, the now. You’re so damn aware you can hold it in your hands! Fix it! But it’s near impossible to relearn how to feel things.

The spinning reflection continues every time you catch your own face in the mirror, every time you feel anger or annoyance creep in under your rib cage. You can only try your best to consider before the words leave your lips, before the tension hits your body enough for them to see. But even so, it doesn’t stop the suffering in your head. Pure exhaustion, without ever moving a muscle.

Breathe, reflect, choose your words with the best of intentions. Try not to let the realization kill you.

2 thoughts on “when hyper self-awareness is exhausting.

  1. I actually really relate.. I feel like I’m always in a state of hyper awareness.. And it is exhausting, you’re right. If I ever feel like I’m alienating friends and family I feel guilty and I see it clearly but somehow I still can’t stop it… I can pinpoint exactly what I’m doing wrong or how my feelings influence my actions but again, it’s difficult to deter my behaviour… It’s not all bad.. I’m super self-reflective too but again, everything on a “hyper” level is so exhausting..

    Like

    1. Yes!! I’m so sorry you feel this too. Yeah, it can be great when it gives you the ability to reflect and work on things you’d like to change about yourself. But when that doesn’t feel possible, it’s just tiring instead. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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